Thursday, October 18, 2012

control..

Something I struggled with after Leighton's birth was the lack of control I felt.  I hate to feel out of control. I hate anything with wheels under my feet (skateboards, roller skates, even ice)  because I feel out of control. 

The lack of control started even before her birth and continued the second the hospital took her from my arms.  The NICU gained control of my child. Ya they let me sign papers for procedures, but my other children couldn't visit, they wouldn't even let me open the blinds for them. I could only have 4 other people on a list to see her.  I wasn't allowed to hold her other then feeding her, and I only had 30 minutes because the doctor said she had to be under the UV lights.  We had to fight the pediatrician to get her home.

Then came her heart. I prayed and fasted, and tried everything I could to will that hole to close in her heart.  I had no control in fixing a hole in a heart,  nothing I could do would help it. It was up to God to grant me a miracle, and I didn't really like that. I had to leave her life in the hands of people I didn't even know. They stopped her heart twice!  I learned I have no real choice if my child will live or die, it's up to God. I had the worst fear that surgery recovery would go like the NICU (it didn't). I had a nightmare the night before she was released that I was fighting with the nurses to let her go home.  They surprised me and didn't make me.  God did give her the miracle of a amazingly quick recovery, and I did use everything in me to take care of her the whole time, and mostly the nurses let me. I spent 30 minutes slowly giving her the medication every time because the CICU nurses (at night when I wasn't there) would force it down her throat until she barfed (They ruined all oral meds for her). I mostly never left her side. 

Anyway the point of this is that I learned that I want to control my whole world, but I have no control.  Only God does.  I can't control my children, I can't control my whole world. I can't control others.  I can make it as safe as possible, but God can throw me a curve ball in there at anytime. 

So what have I learned I can control?  I only can control how  I react in any situation.  I can choose how my attitude and actions will be when I get thrown those curve balls.  So my goal is to make my reactions something I will be proud of, and not regret later.  I've heard this all before, and I guess I really never believed I couldn't control the world around me. Not saying I really like that I can't, but now I KNOW it.

-JS

1 comment:

  1. I absolutely love this! It is so touching and honest.

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