Thursday, February 28, 2013


I don’t know if I can explain this well, but sometimes I walk out of group therapy sad.  It’s not because Leighton isn’t doing well, or it isn't fun. She is, and it is.  I go because she loves it. I mean when I leave the building she reaches to go back in. I say did you have fun today and she nods and says yah! Every week I don’t want to go.  I don’t want to see what I see.  It’s hard on my heart.  It’s hard sitting there and watching these children and wondering to myself why?  Why do they have to struggle so hard?  Why do they have to have all these surgeries, medicines, and/or oxygen?  It’s the WHY’S.  Why do some parents have to get a diagnosis there child is going to slowly die, and there’s nothing they can do! How do they even process that?  Maybe it would help if the kids weren’t so lovable.  There are kids with brain injuries. Their prognosis is they will basically be able to do nothing.  I don’t mean have a job, or play sports, or go to regular school. They may never even sit up or be able to eat. These kids are aware of the world though. They feel joy, pain, and understand. One hears his name and he smiles, and moves his eyes to the sound.  I see beautiful children, such kind parents, and I know their struggles aren’t the same as most.  They aren’t wondering about the unfairness of their boy sitting on the bench or their daughter not getting invited to a party.  They might wonder at the unfairness that their child will never be able to feed themselves, sit on there own, or even communicate.  Sometimes I feel like I’m a middle parent, one that’s witnessing both sides of parenting. I look at the “regular” parents especially when they’re angry at some miner injustice and think what you worry about is so unimportant, and even I find myself there sometimes too.  Obviously I know how it feels to hurt for your children over these minor things, and I know how it feels to hurt for your child for major things.  I have to remind myself still that this thing that feels so big and unfair, it really is unimportant.   It’s hard to be grateful to God for your blessings, and struggle with the ungratefulness you feel for those struggling even worse then you. I'm always wondering WHY?  Sometimes I feel like my heart is split, and sometimes it's worse after therapy.

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